Well as most would assume I have been having a really tough time this year and hence the absence from the blog. I have given it a lot of thought and have shared with a few close people why I am having a more difficult time this year than I did last year.

Last year everything was so fresh and did not seem real. I was walking around in a fog and going through the motions. Much like a chicken who has had its head separated from its body… the body keeps moving for a short period of time. This in addition to the outpouring of friends and family that were around day and night to help me. This year, it is REAL for me and I am faced with the reality of what this time of year will be for me for the rest of my life. There will be a huge void as I get out the Christmas decorations and every piece I pull out of the box will have Julie and a memory tied to it.

This was her time of year. She loved the cold weather and wearing sweaters. She loved decorations and lights. She loved the time spent with family. She loved the anticipation of the kids on Christmas eve and the excitement in their eyes as they bound down the stairs Christmas morning. I miss her.

I was having a particularly hard day yesterday as I stumbled through some things in my home office I had not seen before that just punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. On top of that Irma (a long time friend of Julie’s from College) was holding her Christmas White Elephant party that we went to every year (except last year as she did not hold it… I don’t think anyone was up for it.). The party consists of all of Julie’s close friends from her childhood and college years that still live in the area. I delayed until the last minute to accept my invitation as I just could not see myself going without her. I did, and I got through it somehow.

After the party the kids headed to Clear Lake to spend the next couple of days with Nanna and Poppa as I have to work this week and Ebony is on Vacation for the holidays in Michigan. So I had a quiet house. I sat down and decided to watch a movie. As I scrolled through my selection on my AppleTV I came across what is probably my favorite movie and one I had not watched in a long time… The Shawshank Redemption.

I have watched this movie dozens of times and remember every scene (If you have not watched it you are missing out on a great) but one scene spoke to me in a brand new way and I had to rewind it and listen to the line one more time. It was a line by Ellis Boyd Redding, better known as “Red”, played amazingly by Morgan Freeman. Red was reflecting on the escape of his best friend Andy Durfresne who had spent 20 years in prison wrongly convicted of a double murder…

Sometimes it makes me sad, though. Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty when they are gone.

Substitute Julie’s name for Andy and the quote fits like a glove. Julie’s feathers were just to bright. God called her home so that she could influence and touch many lives vs. just the ones she could here on earth as a mortal. We all know that it is selfish on our part for wanting to keep her all to herself and we can “rejoice” in knowing that she is guiding and helping many in God’s kingdom at present. However, we who knew her here on earth can’t help but feel a huge void now that she is not with us in human form.

I felt a sense of peace come over me as I listened to that line for the second time and absorbed it all in. Believe what you will, but Julie guided me to watch this movie last night and made sure my ears were primed to hear this…. She was speaking to me.

I wish everyone a very safe, happy and HEALTHY Holiday and 2009. I will sign off with one more very poignant line from this movie…

Get busy living or get busy dying.

-Andy Dufresne

I hope all who read this choose the former. It’s what Julie desires of all of us.

YAY GOD!

-Brendan

Randy Pausch is a professor at Carnegie-Mellon University who was dianosed with Pancreatic Cancer last August and was given 3-6 months to live. He is now in month 9 and delivered the commencement speech to the class of 2008 to the University. A short 6 minute speech with a powerful message. Said succinctly and with true passion, you will not be left thinking that you wasted 6 minutes of your life watching.

The part that grabbed me, and reinforced my thoughts of Julie’s courageous stand against cancer is the part where he was speaking with another person and that person mentioned that he was really beating the Grim Reaper because he is now 3 months passed the doctors upper limit prediction for his survival. He simply stated…

“We don’t beat the Reaper by living longer. We beat the Reaper by living well.

Powerful. I have embedded his entire address here. I encourage you to watch it.

I take solace in knowing that Julie not only beat the Grim Reaper, she stuffed her victory down his throat and is now celebrating her triumph in the Lord’s house.

I will now renew my battle against the Reaper and encourage all of you out there to do an assessment of your own battle plan to beat the Reaper.Coindentally, Brad blogged about this guy’s “Last Lecture” at CMU earlier this year. It is a little longer (roughly an hour) but I think you will find value in this hour investment as well.

Please keep the Pausch’s in your prayers.

YAY GOD!

-Brendan

Music…

I find myself in one of my very deep valley’s at present and I find myself listening to a lot of music during my alone hours after the kids are put to bed. I am constantly searching my own “itunes library” and those in the “itunes music store” looking for songs or even lyrics that speak to me but also have a melodic and easy tune that may, in some way, bring me some temporary peace. Contemporary Worship music is the obvious choice and I listen quite often to the songs of “Mercy Me”, “Chris Tomlin”, and “Michael W. Smith” to name a few. However, I find myself interested in finding songs and lyrics in pop culture songs where you don’t necessarily expect to find them where you would expect it from the “Worship” genre.

I have found two songs in particular that really speak to me at present. The first is “Let It Be” by the Beatles:

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom… Let it be. And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom… Let it be

The second song is “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor:

Won’t you look down upon me Jesus? You gotta help me make a stand. You just got to see me through another day. My body is aching and my time is at hand. I won’t make it any other way.

So I am asking for your help… What songs do you recommend? I am very open to all genre’s of music so country, contemporary country,easy listening, classic rock etc. However, I am looking for lyrics that can speak to me and comfort me that are coupled with a melodic tune. I want to build a play list of these songs that I can download on my computer and lose myself in during my downtime or as I drift off to sleep.

Relay For Life 2008….

As mentioned before I will be walking in the Relay for Life event sponsored by the American Cancer Society on May 16th in the Heights are of Houston. We participated last year and was a VERY important and emotional event for Julie. It meant the world to her to participate and we vowed to participate every year going forward. I am holding up my promise and will be there. The only way I can fight back and not give in to cancer (and maintain a part of Julie’s legacy) is to participate in these events, get the word out for awareness and raise funds for research. I know many of you have given very generously to me personally and for that I am forever grateful. I ask though, that you help give to those who are currently fighting or will be fighting in the future in Julie’s name. Please do what you can… donate or even better, join up to spend the evening with us walking, sharing in Julie’s memory and giving cancer hell. I just know we will feel her presence there and I feel sure she will speak to us during this event. The link to sign up for our team or donate to this cause is posted in my links section to the left.

The pictures posted below are just a small sample of what we documented in pictures at last years event. However, I think they are very powerful. A picture is worth a thousand words, or so it is said…. I think these pictures are reason enough to get involved.

Hallie saying a little prayer over her mom’s luminaria candle. The white bags indicate survivor’s or those still battling. Purple is in honor of those who have passed. This year “mommy’s” candle will be purple.

Julie participating in the “survivor” walk last year. It appears as though she is laughing here, but she was actually crying as she was overcome with emotion.

Our “Army of Ants” walker team photo. I say “walker” as there were many people who could not walk with us but were part of the team in spirit as they donated to our cause. We raised the most money of any “private” team (not sponsored by a corporation). I hope to have similar success this year. I would love to see many faces added to this picture this year!!!

Jack is pretty tuckered out here! It is a great family event and kids are welcome. I will have mine there as will my sister-in-law and others. Bring them out… Julie loved kids and would love to have them out there!

That is all for now. Thanks for reading and don’t forget to help me with my song selections and give serious consideration to helping us with our Relay for life. By the way… if you plan on joining us, sign up on line now to maximize your time to raise money for our team!!! The event is only 46 days away and we have a long way to go to even match last years total.

YAY GOD

-Brendan